Illustration by Cullen Johnson

Hi, I’m Jon. Those are my kids over there. Your kids are here too? Yes, that’s what I thought. See, the thing is, my kids are trying to use the slide. You’ve heard of slides, right? Classic playground feature. There are lots of variations in the materials, angles, and colors, but they all have one thing in common: you are supposed to go down the slide, not up.  

Bit of an obvious point, I know, but you see these kids right here? Your kids? Well, of course you don’t, because otherwise we wouldn’t be having this conversation. You see, your kids are not going down the slide, they are instead climbing up the slide.

Why is that a problem? Because my kids are waiting patiently at the top, and, like a good parent, I have taught them to not go down the slide when another kid is either a) at the bottom of the slide, having recently slid down said slide and is in the process of moving away from it or b) climbing up the slide because they think they are a monkey with super monkey hands for climbing except they are not at all a monkey nor do they have super monkey hands and instead they’re just going to keep climbing up and slipping back down for the next 20 GOD FORSAKEN MINUTES.

Sorry.

That was a little passive aggressive. I typically like dealing with things head on, which is why I’m having this conversation with you face to face, instead of, say, writing a snarky Daddy blog post about it. Which I may still do later, depending on how this all shakes out.

Look, I get it, it’s hard watching your kid 24/7 and sometimes you just want to talk to another adult, but that’s what the hours of 9 PM to whenever you fall asleep drooling on the couch are for.

But I believe I speak for all of the responsible slide parents out there when I say PLEASE INSTRUCT YOUR CHILD ON THE MECHANICS OF PROPER SLIDING. I’ve put together a free online webinar that I strongly suggest you view. Would you like to watch it together right now? No? What’s that? My kids have been climbing up the slide for the past five minutes while we’ve been talking?

God DAMN it.

Originally published on Razed.